‘Quitting You’ (republished) by Astra
Couldn’t be more appropriate, especially now.
______________________
I emphatized totally with Jack Twist when he told Ennis del Mar, "I wish I knew how to quit you." (from Brokeback Mountain).
I don’t think a lot of people can or will understand how difficult it is to quit someone. It’s not like quitting softdrinks, or junk food (although God knows how difficult that was for me). Quitting someone is like tearing out your intestines and convincing yourself that you’d be perfectly fine without it.
I thought I’ve done enough quitting in my life. Apparently not. How many times am I supposed to do this?
This is probably the hardest quitting I’m ever going to have to do. I feel like someone just told me to quit eating merienda - you know - you can probably live without it, and it’s oftentimes unnecessary, but it makes you so happy even just the thought of stopping hurts.
He was a mistake from the very start. I knew that. People never stopped reminding me of that. I’d like to think that I never chose to love him - after all, if love were a choice, who would choose such exquisite pain? - but deep down inside I know, I know better. I made my choice, and surprise - I fucked up AGAIN.
How can I choose to fall in love with the one person who can never love me back, even if he tried to?
Maybe I’m not as smart as people seem to think I am.
I wish I never knew him. Never started to care. Never run across his brilliance and intensity. Maybe I would be able to appreciate other people. Now it just seems like nobody ever measures up to him. Feels like no one ever will.
I want to blame him - shout at him, hit him for making me feel like I’ll never be good enough, like I’m begging for his time and attention, like there’s something wrong with me. But he never asked for this. So who do I blame?
Guess I wouldn’t be eating merienda for a long time.
______________________
you are in my head…either burrowing your way into my heart or slipping away…
October 18th, 2006 at 2:43 am
ate, mukhang bagay sa yo yung kantang to
barely breathing
duncan sheik
I know what you’re doing,
I see it all to clear
I only taste the saline when I kiss away your tears
You really had me going, wishing on a star
But the black holes that surround you are heavier by far
I believed in your confusion, you were so completely torn
Well it must have been that yesterday was the day that I was born
There’s not much to examine, there’s nothing left to hide
You really can’t be serious if you have to ask me why
I say good-bye…
‘Cause I am barely breathing
And I can’t find the air
I don’t know who I’m kidding
Imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
But I don’t suppose it’s worth the price, worth the price
The price that I would pay
Everyone keeps asking, what’s it all about?
I used to be so certain and I can’t figure out
What is this attraction? I only feel the pain
There’s nothing left to reason and only you to blame Will it ever change?
‘Cause I am barely breathing
And I can’t find the air
I don’t know who I’m kidding
Imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
But I don’t suppose it’s worth the price, worth the price
The price that I would pay
But I’m thinking it over anyway…
I’ve come to find
I may never know
Your changing mind
Is it friend or foe?
I rise above
Or sink below
With every time
You come and go
Please don’t come and go
‘Cause I am barely breathing
And I can’t find the air
I don’t know who I’m kidding
Imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
But I don’t suppose it’s worth the price, worth the price
The price that I would pay
But I’m thinking it over anyway
October 18th, 2006 at 2:51 am
Jesse…this song couldn’t have said it any better…=’(