How much of me am I willing to reveal? How much do you want me to?

DREW  -  ayan, inuulit mo na naman ang ginawa mo, along with your bessie Joy, for me noon. I still can’t forget the way your text managed to make me laugh kahit sobrang nagdradrama ako sa car during that horrific time. "Tawag ka na lang dito, ako na lang mang-aaliw sa ‘yo." Aww… Kung may "good guy" trophy lang sana ako dito, sa ‘yo ko na talaga na-iaward yun. Ingatan mo bessie mo ha.

JOY  -  thanks at hindi mo pa ako binabaril at dina-dissect with your uber sharp words ngayong nagwawallow na naman ako. I was half expecting "ikaw kasi" with matching "roll eyes". Haha. Luv ya Mareng Cow. You are so much for real!

VALINE  -  best ko!!! A…so ganun pala ang history ng name mo…Haha. For cryin’ out loud, 14 years na iba ang alam kong dahilan! Let’s take our friendship to the next higher level  -  magkaroon naman tayo ulit ng common friends! Haha. Para hindi naman tayo masyadong weird na masuwerte na lang sa isang taon kung magkita. Thanks for indulging my crazy whim. Mwah.

AILENE  -  pailalim ka pa rin tumira. Hehe. I think nasabi ko na sa testimonial ko for you ang gusto kong sabihin. But this one’s not gonna end without a face plastered with an evil grin saying "thanks". Maaasahan ka pa rin talaga like before.

NANCY -  I miss Congress!! =p I miss Timmy!! Haha. Sige save me from myself and save my arse from being too much of a couch/mouse potato and ituloy na natin yang hindi matuloy-tuloy na badminton session na yan. Gusto ko na i-release ito!!!

ANDY  -  please do tell me. Are you the offical rep of Globe, the Couch/NSG’s official telecommunications sponsor? Haha. Keep on sending those texts! Tanggap lang ako ng tanggap. Napapakinabangan paminsan-minsan. Hehe.

MAAN  -  again, again, again. Thanks for the "swak" texts.

JEAN  -  can’t wait to see ya gurl. Thanks too for the "swak" texts.

JEANNE  -  bashing mode o ako na lang ba mag-isa? Haha. Mukhang masaya ka na naman e. Hay parang ako. Sarap na nga lang tawanan. Then again sa kaso nating ito na di naman pwedeng idaan sa korte o kahit sa isang amicable settlement, ang masasabi ko lang "birds of the same beautiful feather flock together". Hehe.

MJ  -  how’s our "espionage" coming? Kuwento mo ha up to the smallest detail ang reaction niya when you finally say "you’ve been punked". Hehe.

JOAN  -  you truly couldn’t have said it any better when you said that word "catch". You made my day! *hug*

PAOLA  -  soulmates ba tayo at ang daming pareho sa ating dalawa?!! When are you coming back here? Itodo ko na ba ang pagiging magkapareho natin by following into your footsteps? Eeep…Ang hirap nun e! Kakatorture.

JESSE  -  thanks for indulging me sa rant phone call na yun. Hehe. And for everyday twisting my mind. Darn! Sinisira mo ang drama ko. Yan. Frustrated tuloy lagi ang ambisyon kong maging disillusioned at jaded. Haha.

JURIELE  -  siyempre binuo ko. Err…consultancy fee? Starbucks or Coffee Bean? Or baka naman ang gusto mo ay….

GEN  -  Chalk days! Now law school days! To the moon and back and yet you’re still humble and real as ever! Mwah. Can’t wait to hear the both of us calling each other "companera".

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To those I might have forgotten to mention here, thanks. You know who you are and what you did for me.

Oo galit ako. Lagi akong restless. Lagi kong gustong umiyak dahil lagi akong in denial. Hindi ko gusto ang pakiramdam na ito. Kaya nga pinilit kong pigilan as this has always been the last emotion I want to feel.

Hindi naman ako manhid e. My intuition has been telling me "Yan, ikaw kasi. Hindi mo ako sinusunod." Whoever invented the phrases "benefit of the doubt" and "second chance" must be delusional not to consider that there are exceptions, exceptions like me. Alam kong dapat ko nang itigil para man lang maipakita kong natuto na ako. Kakayanin kong pigilin. Kasi masakit na. Kasi nga hindi ako manhid. Kasi alam ko kung ano ang halaga ko. I don’t want to wait in vain for just a single realization of my worth (ego talking).

Then again impatient nga lang ba talaga ako? I so much want to say "I have everything that I need though if I could, yet still, be given one more wish, I’d wish to have the power to make you happy so I’d be the girl who’d give you more reasons to move on."

But I just don’t wanna be like the other girls. I just don’t wanna be a passing fancy in a one-sided scenario. I know I am more than that not just for who I know I am but as well as for the love I could give. More so, such was the case too many times before with the last person I loved dearly.

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Then again, could it be possible?

One night

He’s sleeping

The sight, it took your breath away

As you gently let your fingers run through his hair

As you’re other hand is locked, clasped to his’

And as you felt the need to care for him

The need to have him enveloped in your warmth

You knew you fell in love…

Again?!! Baka naman kaya ko pang i-suppress. It couldn’t possibly be right. Hindi dapat. Anyway, it’s still just a quarter of me that he holds…

But if there’s anything to be thankful for, his coming paved the way for my freedom from the anger I held. I wanted to help him get through but he instead ended up helping me come up with forgiveness. Now I know I need not ask for the reason why he came.

For all its worth, and for not being a part of my "Bugs Bunny dead end decency philosophy" (go figure, haha), thank you.

My recent class with my Korean boss drew ooh’s and aah’s from my own self. No. I am not advertising or plugging for Samsung. And no. We’re not talking about anything that feeds the green.

For lack of a better topic to talk about what with our five days a week, two hours a day free talk sessions, we suddenly started talking about mobile phones. Samsung, being proudly a Korean company, was of course the main topic of discussion.

My boss mentioned that what sets apart Samsung from all the other competitors in the hand phone market is its strategy to keep its prices up. Curiously enough, the more expensive its cellphone units are, the more consumers the company attracts.

With primarily the elite as its target market, Samsung indirectly paves the way for an even broader market coverage as its strategy depends on a theory about consumer idiosyncrasy.  This strategy, according to my boss, is successful because the mass consumers’ tendency is to follow the trends set by the elite, trends of which are no mean feat if to be followed after but are nevertheless followed. At this point we see the high price factor being equated to factors such as reliability and quality, factors of which are of primary importance to the elite.

Then again who are the members of the elite? At the risk of this blog sounding like a term paper, hehe, I’ll still answer it. The elite are the professionals, the businessmen, the rich, whose lifestyles are always on the go and therefore heavily in need of gadgets and equipment that is light and fuss-free. And what is light and fuss-free? Isn’t this the gadget that offers a promise of reliability at the touch of a finger and is therefore expensive?

From the point of view of the strata lower than the elite, members of whom include yuppies, students, etc., if the elite sports it, then it must be trustworthy. But "trust" alone as a factor doesn’t make a product "desirable" to these lower groups. Albeit sounding like a hasty generalization with no studies for support, it is nevertheless noteworthy that from an observer’s point of view, the trends set by the elite are almost always considered by the lower groups as not just trustworthy, but "beautiful" as well. Thus the word "trendy".

If it’s the trend, then it’s the craze. And it should be followed. And bought. At whichever cost. However the means. Rich or poor, these people got to have it.

Hurrah for Samsung.

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Of course the story doesn’t end there.

Quoting Kun-hee Lee, Samsung’s current chairman since the death of founder Byung-Chull Lee in 1987, "Korea is currently one of the world leaders in the semicon industry and the shipping industry. But what will we feed the next generation?"

The idea is really simple. In the present Philippine set-up, the call center, the Business Process Outsourcing (BPO) industry is the dominant force that brings food to most tables in the country.

But in 10, 20, 30 years, with the neverending advent of "modern" technology, what would the Philippines feed the future generations should the BPO industry become a thing of the past?

Thought-provoking isn’t it? The irony of it all, our heavy dependence on the importance of the "now" gives us an unhealthy diversion from becoming forward-thinkers.

"And it’s not so important happy ever after, just that it’s happy right now." -  stolen from Macy. Makes sense. =)

Just wanna say I’m lovin’ Sitti Navarro. Sabi na she’s from UP e. Haha.

The horrifying incident that was yesterday was among the many reasons why I am older than my age.

Those who might have already read my warning and at the same time, a "showcase" of my vulnerability, okay, "katangahan", sent through e-mail (still discreet and merciful enough, ego-wise, not to post it here) not excluding those who’ve personally seen and heard what I did yesterday and of whom, for weeks, God forbid, months, on end, would surely talk about me, might now be thinking how and what I am doing to cope.

Before doing just that, first, let me give you an idea of how I was brought up.

I was primarily brought up in a gut-wrenching, competitive atmosphere where yourself was your worst enemy and your own parents, especially your dad, was your worst critic. Ever since that early day in my life when I realized how much more fun (obviously I’m being sarcastic) it was to intimidate people, be idolized, admired because of beauty and brains, I have been at constant war with myself regarding what I wanted to do and what I needed to do, the latter always winning as it would somehow turn out to be as something that I also wanted to do.

I was, and still am, a self-confessed ambitious "inggitera". I was not the "what they have, I should have" type. I was more of "what they are, I should be" type. To be fair with myself, I’d like to think I have never used nor manipulated people to get what I want or to be what I want to be. Even if I might indeed have, I tried to never step on anyone’s toes, always sensitive and careful at the idea of the Golden Rule and the Law of Karma.

Not that I’m blaming my dad for I’ve always known he’s just after my own good, he has been, ever since, giving me the worst anyone could hear from their father. In fact, yesterday was, I think, the worst ever in 22 years. No need to detail on that though but every single time, it was indeed blackmail at its finest, the Achilles heel of an ambitious "inggitera" like me.

I became a writer not just because of genes but because of circumstances. That first-class blackmail really did help and still helps. Who would like being the associate editor of your high school publication at sophomore year and yet still be called as mediocre with the writing style of an elementary student? Or, who would feel like celebrating one’s high school graduation if, on the very day itself, just exactly an hour before the ceremonies, you were given a sermon of disappointment over not having graduated as part of at least the top five (I was number six) without due consideration that only you and the valedictorian passed the most prestigious state university and that you managed to gather the largest amount of medals for your academic and non-academic extracurricular activities that brought pride not only for yourself, but for your entire province as well?

A few more recogitions here and there later, where am I? When those my age in the US without any "laude" trailing after their names are already earning just enough to proudly declare their independence, I still am hanging like a loose thread over my current job often hearing myself giving out complicated issues as reasons for not lasting in a company, for not pursuing law school due to domestic probs (although now, I am bound to come back this coming semester but not without forcibly pushing at the back of my head the said domestic probs), etc.

I know I am bitter for what I’ve become. And yet still, for an ambitious inggitera, that fine blackmail rubbed off into me that before I knew it, I have been actually already sub-consciously manufacturing it without much more assistance from my dad. I’m now thus, at constant war with my own self.

Notwithstanding the law of karma over what I did or did not do, I do know I am always being tested with fire. But how much more heat should I endure? Or would I really like the cold and the stagnant?

Extremes, right?

So how am I coping? After this blog entry’s last period, I will be, once again, the dutiful daughter, the preppy, quite prissy, wannabe-wild child (eep, too strong, could be replaced with "free spirit", haha) having not much choice anymore (ah…my usual justification, "I have no choice!"), especially after yesterday’s event, but to return to work mode lest she wants to encounter once again her dad’s fine blackmail. I’d rather blackmail myself.

But then again, the good girl in me says in a little but shrill and indignant voice that I could just be whining and griping; that, reminiscent of my ex-boyfriend’s statement, "things could be worse".

This is my lowest of the lowest in 22 years. Who sees through me? Do tell me, please. Make me believe otherwise while I’m still vulnerable enough to see past through the negativity of it all.

Or maybe I should resolve that. What’s therefore the usual next best thing when the air smells like war? IMPROVE, IMPROVE, IMPROVE, IMPROVE, IMPROVE. I don’t care if I’d, once again, sound and act old. I still AM young anyway. It’s fun to deceive, right Josh? Haha. Eeep. Ilang/Kalay isaw acid (vinegar) overload  -  what I get from drinking the "sawsawan". Eh I can’t help it. Oh but this is another story. =p

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BUT I’M SMILING AGAIN

Definitely better to look at things from a positive point of view rather than wallow in self-pity, right?

Lemme count my blessings again:

**I have a loving, albeit "masungit" daddy. Slavedriver! Haha.

**My neighbors trust me! I just need to do some things though to make amends.

**At least there’s something really interesting and unique to talk about for the years to come.

**Probs? Keep ‘em coming! That’s the most effective way for me to lose weight. Thanks Aileen for that! Haha.

**My bestfriend, Valine. Oh how I do love her! She’s always been there for me, through thick and thin. Patiently supporting me, believing in me, praying for me, providing comfort when nobody else could or would.

**A good laugh. Thanks to Pokwang’s performance in "Bcuz of U". Haha.

**Thanks to whoever invented "blogs" like this. My finger’s finally forever saved from calluses. Heehee.

**Forwarded quotes of Jean, Maan and Andy. "Swak na swak".

**Law school  -  there’s something to look forward to that feeds and at the same time, breaks my ego. =)

**Lovin’ the phrase "full of hope, full of possibilities, at the perfect time". =) Basta I’m happy and that’s all there is to it.

by my twin (voice) sistah, Joanie.

Amen.

It was saving grace.

Though I woke up this morning with a heavy heart and a headache, I realized that being ready to turn a new leaf in my life should not have to mean that I should change.

For months on end I contemplated on just one word: change; how I pestered and irritated my friends (ei Leo and Joy..hahaa) with the very idea and fussing on what I thought seemed to be so wrong with me that nothing ever seemed to last. Was I too nice? Too kind? Too sweet? Too emotional?

And then I realized nothing’s really wrong after all. This was how I was brought up, my values and virtues still intact. I wouldn’t have reached this age with this position had it not been for my primary state of mind that has had people knowing as predominantly "me". Sure I could be bitchy, nasty and mean but this shouldn’t really have to mean totally transferring to the other extremes to have everything, okay, almost everything, in my favor.

Again. Why should I change? Why should I fight what is not worth fighting for? It’s here. I need not look for it. This is what I am. This is what works best. Besides I have another option and that is to improve. For the better. And if things aren’t still in my favor after doing or exhausting everything I know that is good, i.e. not hurting anyone, etc. then I know it’s not for me. No point in stooping so low that I’m already eating dirt. I’ve learned that it’s definitely better to be patient and persistent, but only up to a certain extent (yeah Seph, learned this from you, thank you!).

As of this writing, I know I’m more or less on my way to finally being at peace with my worst rival: my very own self. The solution’s so, so simple after all  -  happy thoughts! Just happy thoughts! Forward-thinking happy thoughts!

And so reminiscent of my old blog post ("What I Love"  -  March 21, 2006) before those series of deluge that drowned me and left me in a state of disarray, here is an update of the things that make me now truly happy, more than ever:

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1. I love shopping! No, I shouldn’t deprive myself of that gorgeous top when I know I could still "afford" it.

2. Oh I still do love the smell of buttered sweet corn and barbecued chicken gut in the afternoon for as long as the latter’s paired with spicy vinegar! (UP isaw!)

3. I have been loving blue American roses (the ones found in Holland Tulip) since the first time I had the realization that roses do not just come in red and white. Then again, hmmm, I think I could still definitely settle for the classic: a bouquet of deep red roses (check Lea Salonga’s wedding for details and see what I mean!)

4. I love drizzles so long as my clothes wouldn’t be splashed with those small specks of mud. But I love it better if it rains and I’m just inside the house, sitting comfortably in the window sill, watching it pour, barefoot with my knees tucked under a warm blanket, while sipping hot chocolate or coffee and updating my blog with my laptop (Siyempre high-tech na. Haha. No more old-fashioned top-secret journals. Hehe.). Now if only I could someday have that window sill for my dream house.

5. I love MC! I still do! But it’ll be even better if I survive dog-eat-dog NYC! Hehe.

6. Though it’s frustrating I can’t seem to apply in real life what happens in my Sim characters, I still do love The Sims! Especially what makes me happy are the styles of houses that I make and the cities that I build (frustrated city planner!). I’m just not a good mayor though. I’m too indulgent. Haha.

7. There’s only one type of chocolate that makes me happy and it has to be bitter. Haha.

8. Absence makes the heart grow truly fonder. Now I love my UP Law smart ass profs! They’re definitely the only ones who could consistently make or break my day. At least they are CONSISTENT. Haha.

9. I still am happy with early morning travels even if I’m sometimes Ms. Grumpy when I wake up.

10. Something new: Lovin’ the view at the esplanade at the Mall of Asia! Thanks Drew and Ms. Pam! I just wish the next time I’m there it isn’t raining. Haha.

11. Awww….my over-indulgent guy friends. Need I make a roll call? Again, never ever treat any fine girl like shit and never let me discover or else I’m gonna kick your asses. Haha. Love ya all!

12. I love steamed broccoli, sauteed baguio beans and sayote.

13. Bubba Gump! Thank God for Bubba Gump! I love shrimps!

14. I love Bollywood  -  both the industry and the resto even if I really don’t know how to speak Hindi. Haha.

15. Dancing truly drives my stress away. Gus Carr *swoons*….Errr..That’s another story. Haha.

16. Alicia Keys, Leann Rimes, Liz Phair, Larusso, Thalia  -  go getter girls! My heroines.

17. If months ago I love Yellow Cab (I still do anyway), I’m back to my former love, my first love, Pizza Hut!

18. Mt. Banahaw! I’m gonna go back there, I swear, and brave climbing those caves there. Haha. Truly a fulfilling mountain climbing/hiking trip last year!

19. Think I might soon contact my badminton buddy Fatsi and see if she could finally smash me to the ground. Haha. Oh yeah, I love playing badminton!

20. Tagaytay  -  not playing second fiddle but surely is the next best thing to a decent, albeit brief, vacation! Lorie Grace, adopt me!

21. Dad you do make me happy though you do drive me nuts every single day! Haha. Love ya!

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That’s it for now. It’s more of a raving post but I hope I did inspire those who may be reading this blog entry. Sure troubles are inevitable and will continuously come. But just with forward-thinking happy thoughts and loving and accepting who you are by improving for the better, you know you’ll definitely survive after all!

Make every moment count.

Don’t be jaded. Never be disillusioned.

There’s something sweet in something that’s bitter.

There’s a diamond in the rough.

Count your blessings.

Life’s still worth smiling for. =)

Posts after posts.

Can’t cry. Can’t smile. Don’t want to sleep if only to wake up like this.

So what is it gonna be? Can I just make an excuse, albeit lousy, to escape?

Just when I thought I have gotten it all figured out, here I am, yet again, reduced.

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***For two significant persons in my life. This is the only way I know how to be okay again.

It’s amazing how misfortunes after misfortunes that make a day bad in general are eclipsed by a smile, a happy thought, a happy moment. Conversely, it goes the same with having a great day only to have it ruined by a single, no matter how small, disappointment or frown.

No I didn’t wake up on the wrong side of the bed. It’s just when I thought my day couldn’t get any worse, I twisted my ankle, received my boss’ blow of frustration over our program errors and had, yet again, another graphics layout problem.

But over frustration, paranoia, a painful ankle, stress and tension, though it was a bit mean, when the eyes of my co-teacher and I met after the "sermon" of our president, we just ended and capped our day with evil snickers, not to mention, knowing smiles, that we simply just know everything will indeed be all right after all.

Oh hell yeah, I’m still smiling.

…you are in my head, either burrowing your way into my heart or slipping away…