Mahirap Pilitin Ang Sarili

— "Sometimes, it’s good for me to be silent…to not text you or even say hi or hello…coz it gives me time to listen to my heart…to myself…asking, ‘Are you worth it?’"

I know I made what many people would say as stupid decisions. But this time, for whichever it takes, for whatever the others’ reaction is, I’m assuming a stronger control of the path which, right from the very beginning, I knew I should have been following.

I’m taking over. I’m taking charge. Watch me shine and make it, on my own volition, having my own control.

On being proactive and keeping the faith

Surround yourself with friends who would tell you not to give up; friends who encourage and who don’t put negative thoughts into your mind. Don’t think negatively and say that never giving up means stubbornly entertaining false hopes. Hurting is when your God-given human strength is tested. The more you get hurt, the stronger and wiser you get. But strength and the accumulation of wisdom and knowledge should be kept at bay through humility and what’s wonderful is this is actually done not without the benefit of the comfort you receive through faith. When you are after something, exhaust first everything in your power without hurting anyone. The very reason for the word "capable" is because innate in you, in your bodily functions, is the capacity and the ability to create and conceive ideas and wonders. Never let perfectly functioning minds be idle only to later on be tortured by feelings of regret. It definitely feels much, much better to be blamed for having done something rather than not having done anything at all especially when at the very beginning, present and existing was the idea that you know you could. No great person ever made history by choosing to be passive and stagnant. And after it feels like there’s nothing more in your human hands that could be done, entrust to Him your worries. With Him, nothing’s truly impossible…

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… which is why despite everything, I still keep the faith.

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**Check out these letters from kids to their "God" by clicking the image at the left for an enlarged view. (",)

A chat with two of my girls had me thinking, groping really hard, for a way to explain myself. It’s like going out for a crucial sales call and delivering a parrot presentation without really understanding, much more, believing in the shit that you’re talking about. And the worst thing is having to convince not your prospective customers but having  -  or struggling  -  to convince your own self. Note that "compromise" is not the sales word here but "harmony".

So my take on it? Let me just try:

I’m random and proud and I know what I want.

I seize the day and I’m no-holds-barred until I hear it straight from the horse’s mouth.

I don’t wanna regret and wallow in what-could-have-been’s. That’s just the worst feeling.

Hopeless romantic? Errr.. But why does it sound so negative? Let’s just call it "not jaded and not disillusioned".

Defensive, stubborn but certainly not a fool… or at least that’s what I’m working on.

I am appreciative of my blessings and I do listen to both solicited and unsolicited pieces of advice but I have my own mind too and I use it. I am not a weakling, constantly in need of looking after.

I am my own person, my own individual. Love me and/or leave me, I am like a CPU with partition drives.

Satisfied with my attempt? Hmm… close but not quite.

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Soft breeze, cool night, guitar strings,

warm cup on satin sheets…

Cheers to Rule #3!

I am spring

And you are winter

Struggling to go back to your summer

You are in my head, just in my head

Either burrowing your way into my heart

Or slipping away.

And suddenly it is Christmas already!

Screw the hanging Amihan and the difficulty it gives me getting up in the morning, let alone in taking a shower. What I’m elated though is, obviously, definitely not the breeze but the air itself.

It smells like Christmas, looks like it, sounds like it. Sigh. Okay it feels like it too, nevermind the chills it gives me in the mornings.

Yesterday I was killing time in Eastwood and realized that the first ever time I was in that area was three Christmases ago. Imagine that! Yesterday was nowhere near the breezy nighttime and Christmas lights had yet to be lit but the sound of Mariah Carey’s "All I Want For Christmas Is You" was all over.

Now for my insatiable love for music is the definite inclusion of the plan of finding on YouTube all the Christmas songs I could find just to start taking in the festive mood. I’ve had enough of gut-wrenching love songs. Haha.

Definitely can’t wait also to drive through the streets of Makati, especially in Ayala, and relive how I’ve always felt, all the years of my life, during Christmas, with or without problems. The question of having a "working" car has definitely become irrelevant here especially now that nothing can ruin my mood. Hehe.

But how exactly do I really feel during this time of the year? I think it’s best to put it in the context of change. It’s true that the only constant thing is change. For an entire year, one may find a new job, one may lose a loved one, one may go bankrupt, one may win the lottery. Then again, often overlooked is that in the 365 days from Christmas last year to Christmas this year, isn’t that we always end up with, yes, Christmas, therefore making it the second constant thing in this lifetime?

64 days, three hours and 25 minutes to go to be exact. I’d love to say it for the first time in this blog. Happy Christmas everyone!

(Where’s that Christmas list? I just have one wish for deal ‘ol Santa. I think I’ve been nice enough for this one. Hehe.)

Do I even have the right to ask this question at this point in time?

Aarrghh… Kawawang ego, kanina napahiya na naman ako. E kung sapakin na lang kaya kita nang makita mo kung ano nga ba talaga ang halaga ng nasa harap mo ngayon?

Couldn’t be more appropriate, especially now.

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I emphatized totally with Jack Twist when he told Ennis del Mar, "I wish I knew how to quit you." (from Brokeback Mountain).

I don’t think a lot of people can or will understand how difficult it is to quit someone. It’s not like quitting softdrinks, or junk food (although God knows how difficult that was for me). Quitting someone is like tearing out your intestines and convincing yourself that you’d be perfectly fine without it.

I thought I’ve done enough quitting in my life. Apparently not. How many times am I supposed to do this?

This is probably the hardest quitting I’m ever going to have to do.  I feel like someone just told me to quit eating merienda - you know - you can probably live without it, and it’s oftentimes unnecessary, but it makes you so happy even just the thought of stopping hurts.

He was a mistake from the very start. I knew that. People never stopped reminding me of that. I’d like to think that I never chose to love him - after all, if love were a choice, who would choose such exquisite pain? - but deep down inside I know, I know better. I made my choice, and surprise - I fucked up AGAIN.

How can I choose to fall in love with the one person who can never love me back, even if he tried to?

Maybe I’m not as smart as people seem to think I am.

I wish I never knew him. Never started to care. Never run across his brilliance and intensity. Maybe I would be able to appreciate other people. Now it just seems like nobody ever measures up to him. Feels like no one ever will.

I want to blame him - shout at him, hit him for making me feel like I’ll never be good enough, like I’m begging for his time and attention, like there’s something wrong with me. But he never asked for this. So who do I blame?

Guess I wouldn’t be eating merienda for a long time.

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you are in my head…either burrowing your way into my heart or slipping away…