How much of me am I willing to reveal? How much do you want me to?

I admit. I do plead guilty to being a Friendster addict.

I love updating my profile every now and then as I’m very sincere and thoughtful in letting the whole world know the latest about me.

I love uploading new, vain photos of mine, however insanely weird or outrageously "so-not-me" (as, some of the time, it’s not really me, but just a celebrity I was once likened to).

I love pestering my poor friends whose Friendster e-mail notification hasn’t been set to "no e-mail updates" with the almost daily Friendster blog entries of mine that range from the dangerously-flaunting-my-dirty-laundry-in-public-statements to the cryptic-and-mushy-declarations-of-love-for-a-clueless-lover.

I love posting shout-outs just to quench the thirst of the histrionic in me.

I love answering surveys in the bulletin boards.

I love lurking into the accounts of those in my friend list just to get the latest scoop about, uhmm, let’s say, an erstwhile-friend-now-enemy that I never dare delete from my account just for the pathetic reason of not wanting to decrease the number of friends I have online. Or how about the relationship status of that ex or pseudo ex of mine who may or may not be in my list? Still single? *chances, then looks at the stars* In a relationship? *boohoo, tissue please*

Whatever happens, even as I do start to have multiple facets in my MySpace, Yahoo 360, Multiply, Hi5 accounts, I know I will always go back to Friendster. No amount of withdrawal stages or phases will ever convince me to become a Friendster-free individual or at least, a former Friendster addict.

=)

09/08/06

i will not pretend or hide anymore

i’m waiting for you

i’m hoping you will heed my call

if not, break me silently

give me a mind-numbing pain

but put me on your canvass

put me without color

as i am no more than but a pallid sensation

and you are a tangible reality

____

Just trying my hand again in cryptic poetry. Okay Jesse, go and decipher if you must. Hehe.

She, being so formerly engrossed and enamored with the love and life of an English princess, the late Princess Diana, did not take much notice on other ethincities’ royals. She was, by far, had long been brainwashed to believe and take the goody publicity cover up all in even as the princess’ fairytale-like but brave life was later revealed as tainted with worldly weaknesses from both sides.

She was somehow admittedly a bit discriminative of her own ethincity as an Asian. Over a pathetic criticism of crooked teeth (often seen as common to the Chinese, Japanese, Korean and Taiwanese) and traditional costume distaste, she preferred Western princesses and princes over their Asian counterparts.

Until, in a move originally and otherwise intended for having a point of discussion with her Korean colleagues, she read about Japan’s Crown Princess Masako in a recent issue of Time Magazine featuring the Chrysanthemum Throne.

The beauty of the former commoner Masako Owada captured her. Not minding the "teeth issue", she was once again hooked with royalty stories that she immediately searched for all pertinent information over the web.

Masako, unlike Diana, quoting from Hello Magazine, was a "worldly young professional with an excellent education and a successful career behind her". Masako was an honor graduate (magna cum laude) with a bachelor’s degree in economics from Harvard and had taken graduate work in Oxford. Diana, in the tradition of old world English girls, was educated in private boarding schools. Masako was a multi-lingual diplomat when she married love-struck Prince Naruhito. Diana was no more than a kindergarten teacher and babysitter when she became the wife of confused Prince Charles.

Who wouldn’t like Masako at all?

But in terms of performing primary duties and responsibilities, apparently, the younger Diana surpassed Masako. Though the former’s royal marriage ended in a much-publicized divorce, the now passively accepted source of shame for Britain with Camilla Parker-Bowles becoming the new wife and companion to the future king, she appeared much stronger in terms of dealing with the pressures that were given to her in her everyday life as a public figure before, during and after the marriage.

Then again, who wouldn’t be as resilient as Diana? Until her untimely death, she had an heir to the throne, and another son, to protect. Masako’s little girl, Aiko, divided Japanese parliament over the issue of amending laws to allow an empress to rule and take over the imperial throne someday. Thus Masako’s recent succumbing to depression which was only almost fully lifted from her when news came in yesterday that the wife of her brother-in-law, Princess Kiko, gave birth to a healthy baby boy who’s considered now as the third in line to the throne.

Such was the fear that had overtaken Masako when she twice rejected Prince Naruhito’s marriage proposals. But who wouldn’t be convinced to give up everything she enjoyed when, with all apparent sincerity that is still shown today amidst the Imperial Household Agency’s rigid commands against "strong words" that are considered taboo to tradition, Prince Naruhito was quoted as saying "You might have fears and worries about joining the Imperial Household. But I will protect you my entire life."

The reader was, for lack of a better term, "awe-struck", with what she had read. Stories like this keep her sane and not jaded or disillusioned. Then again, stories like this sadden her. Though she doesn’t need saving from anybody and she isn’t in a hurry, she wonders, what with the seemingly neverending road blocks and dead ends, if she’d ever have that one love of a lifetime.

There’s no way I could describe it. One minute I was increasing my chances of finally reaching a decision regarding my career, the next, I attend as one of the judges of an impromptu speaking contest hosted by my undergraduate department beside another judge who’s no other than…*gasp* my Persons and Family Relations professor!

Jasmine *sings*: "It’s a small world after all… It’s a small world after all… It’s a small, small world…"

Former UP Office of Legal Aid chair and BBC Reporter, Atty. Rowena Daroy-Morales, or "Rowie", as she prefers to be called (as she claims that up to now she’s still not "worthy" to be called an "Atty."), was one of my favorite professors in the UP College of Law last year. Not only did she entertain the otherwise stressed out evening class with her ostentatious true-to-life stories that are (yep, I would have to guess, up to now) often contested by her former student, Bar topnotcher Florin Hilbay, who happened to be also our Consti 1 professor at the same time as her, she also gave me the high grade I didn’t think I deserved at all. Haha.

As to be expected, I was bombarded with a lot of questions coming from my former professors in the speech department when I declared that I am contemplating on the increasing likelihood of dropping law school in favor of a MA and PhD in speech with a keen eye on the Fulbright scholarship in the US. Dr. Antee Hernandez and Dr. Belen Calingacion were very much supportive that the latter, a Fulbright scholar herself on oral interpretation, wants me to see her again on that possibility after having my MA in UP.

How I would have certainly loved to hear the "law (pronounced by her as "low") life" sarcasm from Prof. Ramona Flores had it not been for her confusing me on it (law school) being sayang if I’d not push through. It got me thinking tuloy: "Was this the same professor who, a year ago, was saying that the problem of this country is that it has far too many lawyers and that the best thing to do is load them all up in a bus routed for a cliff?"

*****

Quoting law blockie Carla from her blog: (smilies included) "I know I have an unusual (bordering on scary? ) predilection for posting Friendster blog entries a little too often… Go pray for a miracle. (Coz no one’s abridging my freedom of speech. Especially not in Friendster. )."

The only thing I can say? Go and amend the Constitution and SPECIFICALLY include a clause for blogging under the freedom of speech! Hehe.

*****

Speech blockie and erstwhile-Broad Comm-shifting-partner (She succeeded, I didn’t…not that I’m complaining…I’m happy with the course I graduated from. Really.) Joyce definitely did put a smile on my lips. Just refer to her latest and very generous testimonial that she gave me and know why. ‘Wag kayo away ni Edward ha? I’m truly happy for the both of you!

*****

Bad day! Uber bad day! Though I don’t really believe in the law of karma and I’d like to believe more that God is a merciful God who doesn’t punish and that everything that happens to us is just no more than a result of what we did, I seriously am hoping that at least my loved ones, especially my dad, wouldn’t be affected over what’s happening to me.

*****

Just this afternoon I was reading the September 6 ish of Time Magazine on the article about the Chrysanthemum Throne’s crown prince dilemma and the lack thereof. Last I read was HRH Princess Kiko was due today. And just now, upon logging in to Yahoo, a news of the birth of (finally) a five-pound-eleven-ounces third-in-line crown prince greets me.

Cheers for the royal family of Japan! Boos to the Imperial Household Agency’s bordering-on-the-absurd rigid policies that had Crown Princess Masako (definitely a better image model than Princess Di) sinking into depression over "not fulfilling her PRIMARY duty of bearing a son".

Btw, I love the the Crown Prince and the Crown Princess’ little angel, Princess Aiko. She’s sooo cute!!

*****

Digicam battery dilemma again! Result? No pics with another speech blockie, and like Jeifan, hopefully not a "former-UP-Law-schoolmate" Jansen. Dude, talk to you soon! So sorry if I couldn’t afford to attend Hilbay’s session of torment in your class. I seriously would have loved to moon over him again and afterwards go with you to our own session of some serious talking just like what we did when I almost joined a sorority. Hehe.

*****

Against all the advice of two or three peers of mine, I stubbornly continued, not just once, but thrice, in saying and doing some things (okay, heart matters) that are now making me bury my head and heart in the ground for utter shame due to denial.

P.S. (not really a part of the topic of this entry)

Kudos to the speech undergrads! What you did early this morning makes me so proud to be called an "alumna".

Also, pardon the really, really long sentences that are having me violate my own acquired writing rules of "K-I-S-S".

Aaaarrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So, so stupid of me!!! Ang tigas ng ulo ko kasi eh! Okay na sana ang gabi ko, ginawa ko pa rin ang hindi ko dapat ginawa. Ayan tuloy. =(

Ayoko nang bumangon tomorrow. May ERASE and REWIND ba? Or pwedeng patungan na lang?

Chapter 1: Sa pag-ibig

Iiyak ako kapag naaalala ko

Ang imahe ng isang tulad mo

Iiyak ako kapag sinabi mong mahal mo ko

Iiyak ako kapag sinabi mo’ng sa iyo, hinding-hindi na ako iiyak.

Chapter 2: Sa karir

Iiyak ako, kung sa pagdating ng Nobyembreng ito

Kailangan ko na talagang magpaalam

Iiyak ako habang tinatanggal ko ang kung anumang meron ako

Na magpapaalala sa inyo

Iiyak ako, kung sa isang tao’y magbalik ako

Ngunit hindi sa pareho at dating kolehiyo

Iiyak ako, hanggang sa mapanindigan ko, ang desisyong anumang pipiliin ko.

Chapter 3: Sa kaibigan

Iiyak ako kapag isa pang beses ulitin mo

Na ganito ako at nagpapanggap lang ako

Iiyak ako kasi hindi ko maintindihan

Kung bakit mas gusto mo pang marinig ang ganito kesa ganyan

Iiyak ako kung dahil lang dito’y mag-aaway ulit tayo

Suportahan mo naman ako’ng sa susunod ay ‘wag nang umiyak.

Chapter 4: Sa pamilya

Iiyak ako, kung sa pagdating mo,

Ikaw na natatangi at natitira na lang na meron ako

Ay magpapakita sa akin ng kahinaan

Iiyak ako kasi maaalala kong ikaw pala’y hindi si Superman

Iiyak ako kasi kailangan ko lang talagang iiyak

Ang aking pagtawa sa halip na pagluha

Tuwing alam ko’ng dapat higit kon’g iparamdam

Na daddy, mahal na mahal kita.

_______

(**DISCLAIMER: The assumption of veracity of some things here is, of course, purely assumptive and not in order of the author’s preference or priorities, hehe.)

 This truly was a grunt-filled anxious day but happy, nevertheless, as I went on my first ever bar operations for UP Law. I wasn’t able to attend last year as we had some relatives over at our house here in Laguna.

Grunt-filled as because of work, I barely caught up with my remaining blockmates and my org (Schola Juris Vespertina) president, Liway, for the day’s activities. At least I was able to give the chips. Hehe. Oh well. Grunt-filled as I had an awful time finding UP’s now-you-see-now-you-don’t booths, two of which belong to fraternities and the other one  -  ugh, with simply no name or banner at all squeezed in between Arellano Law’s beaming and proud streamer and another school’s. Had it not been for my last year’s block handler’s recognizing me, I wouldn’t have found it.

Anxious because of… uh… haha.. something, actually two things I’d rather keep among my inner circle of friends. "Enough of it and give it a rest," as Van, Jaja and Leo said in meanings totally different from one another. Siyempre, Jaja’s singing’s still ringing in my ears as I’m typing this: "It’s a small world after all… it’s a small world after all…"

And happy because, according to Jaja and I quote "Mabuhay Philippines! In a few hours, Van, Jaja and Presh, three long-lost triplets would be reunited once again!" Seeing that SMS had me reeling in total laughter and smile that could’ve reached both ears had not it been for me noticing the weird look the cab driver is casting on me through the rear view mirror.

Jaja, Van and I became friends during our last few semesters in UP Diliman as Speech Communication majors and was thus, for lack of a better term, "stereotyped" as a group. After graduation, sadly, we somehow accepted the inevitable that we’re gonna be geographically separated what with me going to UP Law and going back and forth to my house in Laguna, Van pursuing law in UST and Jaja? Oh Jaja! She’s in faraway Ilocos Sur for NWU Law. I’m just definitely much thankful that I’m already living in a time where modern tech allows people to talk and virtually see each other in real time though they’re a million miles apart (right Paola my dear? *wink*).

To make the long story short, well, haha, we were all reunited and now we’re all planning the role of each one in our future weddings and baptismal celebrations. I swear, kulang na lang talaga ang groom na matino. Not that we’re looking. We’re all in a career and academic mode. Except for Jaja in the romance department. ;p

As for the lessons I’ve learned today, I’ve got three:

LESSON #1: No. I certainly don’t need to exert any of my precious efforts in trying to explain myself and for the very least, my existence, to anybody who isn’t worth my time, interest and attention.

LESSON #2: One of the reasons why I headed straight to the bar operations was that because I’m currently in a career rut. I’m torn and confused whether or not I should give up law school, or UP Law at least. In less than two months I am expected to have made a decision already. By going to the bar operations and having a "feel" of almost everything, I knew I could make an advanced step towards the direction of determining the path I should take. And yes it worked. Sans my dad blurrying my attempt at logically explaining why, I’m now at least 70% sure that the field of law is not my calling. I could see myself more in a university, teaching as a communications professor, and in a company, conducting speech-based trainings with certifications in ESL (not that I need this because as of Leo’s last discovery announcement, graduates of DLSU, Ateneo and UP NEED NOT take this, but just the same…), TOEFL and IELTS, and with masters and doctorate degrees majoring in rhetoric from UP and as a Fulbright scholar and visiting fellow in the University of Georgia, respectively.

Sounds like a tough and a much-too-DISCIPLINED call for me? Haha. I’ll cross the bridge when I get there. In the meantime, I have yet to ask for further clarification from the Master above as regards why he made me pass UP Law only to provide circumstances that are making the realization of things all the more difficult and conflicting for me.

LESSON #3: I have friends. I have my dad/friend/arguing partner, my bestfriend Valine, my "group" with Van and I as the extremes and Jaja as possibly the "balanced one", my thoughtful and sweet officemates…errr… colleagues like Leo, my wacky Pinoy Exchange hotties with Andy and Joy in the lead, and countless other faces.

Indeed, no matter what happens, I’ll be fine. I’ll be okay. I’ll be happy, one way or another. =)

Arrrgghh… This truly is a neverending cycle. Problem is, it feels like just when you think you are finally once again on top, all of a sudden, without so much as a blink of an eye, you’re back on the low again.

Just when I’ve finally closed with conclusive finality a fairy tale-turned-nightmare chapter in my life with a triumphant last laugh and, okay, with the inevitable bittersweet smile, here comes another dilemma.

In less than two months, I have to make a decision that is sure to change my life forever. They say the choice is mine. But I am caged.

My brain just can’t take it anymore! My heart is breaking! My ego and pride are being crushed upon! I really, really just want to cry… But I can’t and I musn’t. Val says I’ve cried enough to last me a lifetime. Then in comes Joy saying I should not force myself to believe or pretend in something that I know I just am not happy at.

So, to cry or not to cry? That is one hell of a big, dumb question.

What I think I need? A shrink. I told one of my chinky-eyed babiez last week that I haven’t gone on a refreshing vacation for the last three or four years. Maybe Tagaytay would do good for me. Gotta call Lorie. Maybe she could adopt me for at least six hours and help me put some sense into what’s been going on.

Prepare the tissue! I’m just going to laugh it all out until I cry.