How much of me am I willing to reveal? How much do you want me to?

Though the last storm "Milenyo" severely crippled my almost daily blogging activity (hehe), it nevertheless gave me the opportunity to kill boredom by listening to the rare collection of tapes I’ve collected during my pre-mp3 and pre-CD years.

One of the tapes I’m most proud about is the celebrated soundtrack of a Filipino musical specifically produced by Ryan Cayabyab, Girlie Rodis and Celeste Legapi, Philippine theater and music giants, in time for the 1996 to 1998 Philippine independence series of centennial celebrations.

"Alikabok" (1995) originally had Filipina pop singer Rachel Alejandro playing the lead role of Visitacion "Bising" Vallejo, along with others in the lead such as Raul Roxas for the character of Bising’s lover Ignacio, Imelda delos Reyes for the Fil-Am balikbayan Anna, Joel Trinidad, son of comedian Noel Trinidad, for Greg, Anna’s husband and descendant of Bising, and China Cojuangco, younger sister of equestrienne Mikee Cojuangco, as the cousin of Bising.

The musical revolves around the diary of Bising, a late 1800s colegiala who goes back from Manila to her hometown in San Rafael, Bulacan and subsequently falls for her childhood friend Ignacio, an ilustrado who’s also a Katipunero. As to be expected, Bising, coming from a well-off family, is prevented from pursuing the said affair and is instead bethrothed by her father to a neutral ilustrado, Salvador.

Fast-forward to a hundred years later, Bising’s descendant, balikbayan Greg Vallejo, arrives with his wife, Anna, for their honeymoon in the Philippines. The trip had an accompanying purpose and that is to find his "pamana", an ancestral home somewhere in, yep, to be guessed correctly, San Rafael, Bulacan. Upon finding said ancestral home in dilapidated condition, the couple is tempted to sell it cheap to a real estate agent. In the midst of confusion, Anna finds Bising’s old diary in a dusty area in the house and learns of its historic past that subsequently becomes the reason why the couple eventually decides to keep it.

The musical’s promotion was handled by GMA 7 and it was on the said channel where I saw its "the making" episode.

Below are the lyrics to the songs that I still can’t scratch off my head even after all these years that I know I could almost swear I’m singing these even when I sleep.

Alikabok

Alikabok, alikabok

Mamumuti ang ‘yong buhok

Sa aaalikabok

Ang alikabok ay dapat pantayin

Pakintabin siyang parang salamin

Sa labas, loob, tuktok o ilalim

Wala siyang maitagong lihim.

Paano maiiwasan, na hindi malaman

Sikreto at lihim

Misteryo at lagim

Misteryo at lagim

Misteryo at lagim

Sisihin ninyo ang alikabok

Alikabok

Natuklasan ko ang liham sa alikabok

Alikabok, alikabok

Natuklasan ko ang lihim sa alikabok.

May Isang Pag-ibig

May isang pag-ibig hanap-hanap ko

Sa mapagbirong tadhana ng buhay ko

Nais kong makita’t makilala na

Mayakap, makalinga sa panandaling ito

May isang pag-ibig alay-alay ko

Sa mapagtuksong tadhana ng buhay ko

Nais kong matiyak at malaman na

Sundan at harapin sa sandaling ito

May isang pag-ibig

Dinig ko ang kanyang tinig

May isang umiibig

Ngunit puso’y naliligalig

May pusong pumipintig

Ngunit ‘di magtatagal

May ibang naririnig

Higit kong minamahal

Sa mapagbirong tadhana

Sa mapagtuksong tadhana

Ngayo’y kaharap ko na

Sa sandaling ito

Sa panandaling ito

Ng buhay ko.

This is for you on your birthday. I know it’s a little early but this is for me, too.

You said you want to fall in love again. You’re so far the only one who said something that is my sentiment as well. Thus this letter for you.

I know how you feel. I mean, not that we’re looking or we’re in a hurry, this I know both of us would like to gracefully clarify. Not even are we so much immersed into the very idea of falling in love. There’s no explaining it. We just want to as we’re both ready once again to see past through rose-colored glasses.

A friend once told me we’re still singles as the One up there is still busy writing the best love story for us. She, as well, told me, that that person for us may already be here, but is just lost. For whichever meaning or interpretation that is, those persons are still finding their way to us and us, to them.

Very romanticized view of what is otherwise, in reality, if we just admit to ourselves, a distracting and disturbing idea? Yes. It is.

Girl, you and I both know we are not damsels in distress. You know me and I know you. We’ve both seen what we could do. We don’t need anyone taking care of our heart or feeding our ego, for that matter. But behind the beauty of physicality and materialism, of achievements and stature, you and I both know that at the end of the day, as human beings capable of feeling, we’re bound to ask who would appreciate us for who we are enough to adore us, pine for us, care for us, love us.

Maybe we should just really be patient. Or maybe we should grit our teeth hard enough to endure the craft of the Master. He’s not just writing our love story. I’d like to believe he’s slowly and painstakingly perfecting his work, making it permanent, solid and beautiful through carving.

Yes, he is carving it into our very being, our very soul. Which is why it hurts. Which is why we still hold on.

My sweetest regards,

Precious

Is it right to say that this somebody makes my heart skip a beat each time?

Is it right to not even exert enough effort to push away the thought of how this somebody captured me by that very memory of him stopping his car to talk about what should(n’t) be talked about and thereafter seeing how he looked so different, curled in his seat, saying what we both know should(n’t) even be said?

Is it even right to post this for the whole world, or at least for my very critical friends to see (oh they’re just concerned…)? And, yes, for that somebody to see?

But if I take that chance right now

Tomorrow will you want me still?

And I know it’s not right

But I guess I should try

To do what I should do…

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… or I maybe I’m just fooling myself and I could, most probably, just shrug this off by packing my bags, boarding a bus bound for the beaches of Quezon and hoping that my mom’s elder sis could adopt me for a weekend.

It’s been a really long time since I did this what with my normally insane mind thinking otherwise of one issue at a time over the past few weeks. Now I just need to spill starting with this roll call:

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Haayy girl friend, you know who you are. Like what I said earlier, we’re like lovers. You’re right. "Sanay" na ako with your "mad" and "super mad" moments. Haha. How’s the project DVD (officially christened by me, haha)? Please let it be on a weekend. Please.

****

Please let there not be another bad connection at 7 pm tonight. And I’ve reached the end of the month with my two original students, what happens next? Hmm… Harvester’s Day on October 4 and 5? Free days!!

****

A vous: I’m only protecting myself as I know you may also be doing so yourself. I have the same thoughts too, don’t worry. I indulged myself to these feelings at dawn today and it was only before lunch that paranoia over what I did and its possible effects sank in and overcame me. Normally I think too much, so much so I’m getting ahead of my own self. But now, yeah, I just don’t want to think. There’s no justifying it. I’m happy to have your company and you’re right, that’s all I need to know and be right now.

****

Awww… Thanks Jason for the concern. Though sorry, I just simply don’t want to talk about it early this morning. But yeah, I might be needing, once again, one of these days, YOUR ATC treat to keep my mind off things. MY treat has already been nullified and considered void. Or has it? Haha.

****

Really surprising and sweet testimonial coming from a dear friend. Yeah, I wanna kick ass. Literally and figuratively. Haha.

****

Ugh. Sometimes, I really do scare myself. And in the end, sans the pointing fingers, there’s really nobody else to blame but me as I’ve always known I have the choices. Please. I don’t wanna go posting again as shout out Bugs Bunny’s "dead end" philosophy.

****

Stop slacking off Ms. Cardenas and start choosing online the subjects you’ll be taking next sem! Hmm… Second year irregular? Not really as half bad as I thought it would sound. I just wonder in anticipation what dripping sarcasm I’ll hear once again when I go to OSEC.

****

One box of Powerade from San Miguel?!!! What is that for?!! To keep me awake the whole night, yet again, for another two weeks?!

"Kulang ka kasi sa bilisan…"

Talk about first-class "taranta"!! Dad you’re driving me so nuts!!!!

Waaahhh…I really do need a vacation! Too fast, too furious. Too much, too soon. I might escape to the beaches of Quezon one of these days and just let time pass. (Oh I’m just whining and griping.)

****

"One simple known thought that we all too often ignore: Patience is a Virtue. When all efforts fail, have faith. Turn to Him and He’ll provide comfort, one way or another."

First time I dug for an old post and had it "republished" in my blog. The song "Sway" (both versions of Michael Buble and the PCD inspired me to do so.

"When marimba rhythm starts to play, dance with me, make me sway. Like the lazy ocean hugs the shore, hold me close, sway me more… I can hear the sound of violin, long before it begins. Make me thrilled as only you know how, sway me smooth, sway me now."

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I dream of being titled  -  mornings spent meeting top people while dressed in a power suit.

I dream of a relaxed afternoon drinking mocha frap while chatting with my college buddies after an otherwise stressful morning spent on crunch time having meetings after meetings discussing highly-important corporate bullsh*t.

I dream of glam nights garbed in an elegant A-line skirt dancing the night away to Michael Buble’s tunes.

I dream of cozy weekends  -  sunny in the morning until the afternoon with drizzles in the early evening and instead of doing the dishes, I’m wrapped in the arms of the one I love and who loves me back, spending pregnant silence on the window seat, gazing at the Tagaytay skyline.

Five to ten years from now, this is how I dream my life will be…

So I can’t resist. I have to update this blog.

My most recent free talk session with my Korean boss had me shaking my head in disbelief over my failure the past few weeks to update myself with both, okay, either, local or international news.

It was funny and at the same time, disappointing, that the only news so far that I had myself updated with was about Kris Aquino’s announcement of her second pregnancy. Yes. Haha. She’s pregnant, or, as of Sunday (the last time I turned on the television), at least 98% sure that she’s pregnant.

Shame. Shame.

The past few weeks had me realizing how my addiction to a P3000-worth of "unlimited" internet had taken me away from the simple pleasures of getting the latest news  -  be it music, politics, showbiz  -  from the television or the newspaper.

The last decent thing I read that didn’t come from the internet, much less the television, was the September 5 issue of Time Magazine about the birth of Japanese Princess Kiko’s son. And in class tonight I was mentally shaking my head in disappointment over not being able to relate to two international breaking news that my boss mentioned about Thailand’s 19th coup d’etat in 50 years and the recent power seizure of a right-wing Japanese leader of the prime minister post.

Oh this is bad. Really bad. I mean, not just the abovementioned news. But also about this news of my recent inability to switch from internet surfing to television channel surfing or at the very least, my inability to flip through the pages of the Manila Bulletin which dad buys every morning.

I am so dependent already on the internet. I guess I need not elaborate on that, for now. I’ve become so out of touch that I didn’t even know that this really bad habit of mine already has a new term created until Leo, a former office colleague, informed me.

Say what?! I’m a mouse potato?!

_________

Mouse potato  -  PC (internet) addict

I know the news of the divorce of Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson is so six months ago (more or less) but what can I do? It’s only now that the hopeless romantic in me, upon watching avid fans’ homemade video of the famous ex-couple, is wishing and hoping that they’d reconcile. A sample could be found here.

Oh geez. For the love of… I admit to having watched and having unconsciously anticipated every single episode of The Newlyweds on MTV; how I would cringe at Jessica’s "blonde dumb" tricks and how I seriously could not believe the similarity between Nick and my second to the last ex who, now I believe, as really no where near him in the gorgeous scale.

In the abovelinked (oh cool, a new word courtesy of the internet), plus another homemade video made by a fan with Nick’s "This I Swear" wedding song (so sue me, I always thought "I Do" was their wedding song) as the accompanying music, if one is at least as nearly as hopeless romantic as me, one could clearly see the reason for this post’s title.

No, I am not one of those giddy types who cried and subsequently cheered for Nick’s "goodbye to singlehood" and his "hello to singlehood, again", respectively. I am not half as gorgeous as Jessica or even half as great as she is in belting notes. But that’s just it. They make falling in love and hooking up look so much good that just by looking at their photos together, I’m darn sure that everyone would end up secretly wishing for a picture-perfect real-life romance of their own.

And then here comes the part when I’d start wishing for a Nick Lachey of my own:

Somebody cute enough to make the both of us look good in pictures (Okay I know this is a wee bit pathetic, but hey, I can dream, can’t I? Plus, I mean, what’s the sense of striving to make yourself look good if your partner wouldn’t sweat it out in making himself look decent and, uh, hehe, "hot", not just for you but for himself, right? Right?)

Somebody stubborn ENOUGH to swear he hates anything romantic but is romantic just the same when you could swear you just saw tears in his eyes when you start reading his love letter/note, whichever length it may be, that he wrote not because he claims he’s not a hopeless romantic but all just because you are the one who’s guilty of wanting all those mushy stuff.

Somebody sweet enough to indulge you in those dirty little tricks when you want to go into the "revenge is sweet" act on him for all those times he was stubborn and he made you cry. (Okay, fine, as inspired by that huge heart Jessica made Nick for their 2nd Valentine’s Day together which the latter wore for their lunch out. Hehe. Link’s here! Goddamn it’s so wickedly funny. Hehe.)

I guess that’s it. A peek at would could surely sweep me off my feet, along with the mandatory God fearing, loyal, respectful, street smart, honest, neat, hardworking and caring.

So, tell me, can I still fall in love? (",)

And I thought I was going to be happy already… It’s my fault in the first place. I didn’t start my day right and I didn’t end it right when I knew I had the choice.

MOOD:

*sick*, literally and figuratively. Two weeks with only an hour to two and a half hour’s worth of sleep per day? Not good. I’m a zombie panda. Haha.

*in pain*, my whole body hurts with my head, my throat, not to mention, my heart, pushing and pulling at each other for the proverbial spotlight

*disappointed & confused*, you’ve disappointed me, I don’t know if I’ve disappointed you but I know I’ve disappointed myself (in more ways than this one alone) so much so that I am stating this bluntly. I told Joy and Andy: "Why is it that when at first you don’t like somebody who you’d been told as who likes you, that somebody veers away just when you already like him?" What am I? A maneater? Or it’s yet again another classic case of pre-empting (more like a statement of mine, not a question…)? Or you’re really what I now think you are courtesy of some really good and concerned friends and some really bad experiences? Or is it just not really meant to be? If it is, then why have I come to know you, at least, umm, meet you, in the first place? Wait, do you even know it’s you that I’m talking about? Or am I just being overly dramatic? Which is which?

*chirpy*, at least for a brief moment, as I finally got to watch one of the "Bring It On" movie series after the original one. Was it just me and my out-of-touch movie moments or was "Bring It On: All or Nothing" really not shown in the Philippines? SHABOOYA! Now I know. Hehe

*chirpy part 2*, wow! Euki pretty! Cindy Chiu gorgeous, finally a genuine cheerleader in a "Bring It On" movie!

*chirpy part 3*, Baby Suri photos! Blue doe-like eyes and lots of brown hair…awww…really cute! I swear she looks like Katie but Katie herself says that she looks like Tom. Whatever. Yay! Thanks Maan! *mwah*

*swooning*, Gus Carr… Dancing does make me feel weak…

*angry*, USB pop-to-port cable not compatible?!!!!!!!! Where’s the receipt? Please let it not be on the freakin’ van’s floor! ‘Nuf said.

*frustrated but*, but what? I love it. Really. It’s just now I am swallowing the virtual speech/sermon that I gave the other night about the memory.

*anxious & worried & scared & sad*, WWIII again? Hopefully not tonight, please. And not anymore. It really isn’t like when I goofed up, I can just find a place to hide. I want to really be a good daughter this time. The discussion with Belen this morning made me realize one thing: All my justifications, reasons, and excuses, no matter how legit some of them may be, all backfired on me when the issue of being grateful and responsible is brought up.

I’m on sick and vacation leave today. At least my mind is. I’m taking a vacation away from myself. No I am not whining. I am just saving myself as at least I know that there are still reasons left to smile and definitely, more to come.

(For Aurora Villamiel Tierra-Cardenas on her fifth month of joining God and on what could have been her 63rd year: September 20, 1943  -  April 10, 2006)

Which part of me is you?

Is it my eyes? My nose? My lips?

Definitely not my forehead

I got it from dad

Is it my forgiving nature?

Is it my gentleness?

Is it every drop of tear that I shed each time?

Is it my voice?

Is it my gift of words?

From the mirror I see

An image that was once you with me… =’(

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I miss you mom. So much. The house is desolate. It’s quiet. And I’m alone and empty.