How much of me am I willing to reveal? How much do you want me to?

Exactly a month and 20 days from now, I’m gonna give myself a pretty scary birthday gift. I’m still thinking whether or not to take a leave during that day but one thing’s for sure, there certainly is no turning back.

Who am I to complain?! I’m Y-O-U-N-G! Still young! Normally, since I never really like being underestimated or being told anything that is tantamount to a combination of discouragement and underestimation, I would gripe when people say that I’m still young and that I’ve got a lot of time ahead of me to meet new people, discover new opportunities, etc. The sight I saw in the wash room, however, practically left me clamoring to hear such phrase again.

I swear. I could have hugged Joy when I heard her mouth said phrase had it not been for my extreme (yep, superlative to the highest level) exasperation over my… white hair!!!

Though it was only a single strand of white hair, it nevertheless left me freaking out that I knew that come lunch time, I had to let this all out.

The angel’s tongue couldn’t have said it any better. Just when I resolved the other day that I won’t cry ever again, I broke the heels of my P1495-worth of Janeo shoes while traversing the skywalk in Greenbelt. Add to that another frustration of not being able to be included in the roster of winners of Philippine Star’s Lifestyle Journalism Awards. Rica! Where’s your "bad luck comes in threes?" I’ve got five! Or if you add the Janeo shoe disaster, make it six. Boohoo, huhuhu.

Dad said I couldn’t win everything. But why does it feel like I’m already close to losing everything?

The stress did get into me. One and a half weeks of headache plus one strand of white hair? Great. Just great.

Nine more hours to go. Uhm, that’s more or less five sessions to go and I’m through with Speechpower Spain, that is, if I could find the Oral Presentation book immediately! Uh-oh.

Speechpower España holds a lot of bittersweet memories for me, the bitter exceeding the sweet which was probably the reason why Ma’am Tootsie heeded to my request to be transferred this coming June to the Buendia office, the only office, aside from the Taft office, which has not yet been, errr, "contaminated" by the same bittersweet memory of a person I’d rather forget for all the best reasons.

But then I’d like to clarify: I’m not bitter. I’ve forgiven already. I’m just hurt, full of pain, as the wound is yet to heal.

*****

It was not my first time last night to watch the Disney All Stars version of the Bette Midler Cinderella song "A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes" but it was definitely the first song that made me (and still makes me) feel good in a long time.

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you’re fast asleep
In dreams you will lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for you’ll keep
Have faith in your dreams
And someday, your rainbow will come smiling through
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
The dream that you wish will come true
A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you’re feeling small
Alone in the night you whisper
Thinking no one can hear you at all
You wake with the morning sunlight to find fortune that is smiling on you.
Don’t let your heart be filled with sorrow
For all you know tomorrow the dream you wish will come true.
When you can dream, then you can start, a dream is a wish you make with your heart…=)

*****

<sigh> Tomorrow’s another Monday. Precious, repeat after me, say "APPOINTMENTS". Just so glad the new set of painkillers took its effect immediately yesterday but not soon enough for me to join the ECCI anniv party and see the "nipple dance" of the Training Group. Hehe. Anyhoo, I got the "preview" during Zillah’s dinner/inuman birthday party at the Makati Republik the day before.

Say who?! Did Jong of ECCI Solutions actually call me an "Ana Roces-lookalike" in my Friendster primary pic?! Ahaha. That’s a first. Tina added by saying that I’m just the morena version, parehong "tabain". Oh well… Hehe.

*****

Wildcards.

<lets out another sigh> The tarot cards said that my life is yet to develop. Boss Sreeni said it himself too a few months back while staring at my palm inside the conference room for our palmistry session. Seems like the Creator above "procrastinated" in developing my life plan which could probably have been the reason why I’m one of this life’s greatest procrastinators/crammers. <looks above> I’m just kidding po. Peace. =)

*****

But what if CNN actually considers the application I sent to them a week ago? I wonder if Tita Adore would accomodate me in her Florida residence just so I could go to Atlanta for my interview… Hmm… <the devil advocate in me says "Dream on!">

*****

My heart’s condition? Well, it’s still crushed into a million pieces. So is my ego. But it’s my own personal (yes, life size) jigsaw puzzle, my own challenge that I have to fix, with or without help.

I was to say "Dear diary…" but opted to say "Dear bloggie" instead. Wala lang. Haha.

Anyhoo… Haay… Another proof of what I’m refusing to admit (na sakitin ako) is my recent absence (half day) today at work.

Maloloka na yata ako. Sabi nga ni Doc Carol, my brain is taking all the burden, all the stress. Sheesh… "Pag hindi gumana itong P180/day na painkiller, mag-ipon-ipon na raw ako for CT Scan. Mahal yun ha. At nakakatakot. Malamang-lamang e inuuntog na nga yata ni Lord sa pader ang ulo ko while saying "Iha naman, minulat ko na nga ang mata mo sa KATOTOHANAN, nagbubulag-bulagan ka pa."

Speaking of stress… Lagot. Humanda raw ako pagdating ni Boss Kamesh from Cebu on Monday. Appointments. Appointments. Repeat. Appointments. Appointments. Repeat. Appointments. Appointments.

Then again, stress killer talaga ang mga nakita ko kahapon sa bus. Sina Zinnia and Aldwin! My god! It’s been almost seven years na pala since I last saw these people I was with noong Youth Week!

The fact that last night lang sila nagkabalikan after six, seven years of being apart really brought a smile to my lips. Di ko malaman kung ano dapat reaction ko nang malaman ko na nung very day Irvin and I broke up, Zinnia and Aldwin also broke up. <thinks> Sheesh. What a morbid thought on my mind! Hehe.

But really, I think these people (Zinnia and Aldwin) were what God sent as His temporary solution to my depression yesterday.

Another of God’s instruments is the future Fr. Carlo Perez. E kelan nga ba talaga siya magiging pari?! Hehe. Though it doesn’t help to mention that classmate niya yung cousin ni "thou-shalt-not-be-named-muna" sa San Carlos Seminary, it certainly does help na for the third time, he will be of help to me, at least spiritually and emotionally. Pero kainis naman. May pari na nga ako for my wedding (Carlo of course!), wala nga lang future hubby. <sigh>

Dear bloggie, I know I am on my way to recovery. Sabi ni Rica "bad luck comes in threes" pero exceptional daw yung case ko kasi bonus yung fourth bad luck. Dear me! ‘Wag na sana magkaroon ng pang-fifth, please Lord!

If at 3 pm today, my beloved second college will not allow me to enroll this semester, maybe I’ll be dropping law school and will be calling the Department of Foreign Affairs instantly to inquire about the Foreign Service Officer IV exam.

Maybe I’ll start with brushing up on my Español and/or Francais for the above exam.

Maybe I’ll take Flamenco lessons.

Maybe I’ll really make it a point to frequent Greenbelt every Friday.

Maybe I’ll make it as my goal to brush up on my general information skills in that quiz show game in Time Zone.

Maybe I’ll start hating love (will post later that essay from Boss Tina’s blog).

Maybe I’ll start to dress ala-Liz Phair and totally and completely remove my "sweet" image so that nobody could ever mess with me again.

Maybe I’ll resign from this company and start pretending that my cousin’s residence in Singapore is mine so that I could start applying to companies there.

Maybe I’ll start going out on dates with all the freakos around and afterwards leave them lying in the dump.

.

.

.

.

.

Then again. Maybe not.

I used to veer away from the idea that God has a master plan for each and every single one of us; that our destiny is already written in the stars. I preferred the extreme opposite which was all about creating our own destiny, taking control over our own lives.

Now I’d like to keep the belief that it’s a combination of both. God, indeed, regardless of religions and beliefs, has a master plan for all of us but it is as well true that He lets us create our own choices, make our own decisions and take our own actions. Free will, in short.

So how to reconcile the two opposing beliefs? Maybe, yes, maybe, it’s all as simple as if after every choice, every decision, every action is exhausted and we finally surrender everything to His power, He will ALWAYS find a way, no matter how seemingly impossible, how seemingly complicated, to make things right.

Until the last teardrop falls, I would still love. And when that last teardrop finally falls, I know, I already would have healed.

…to be heard, fairly and squarely.

I loved, I cared, I believed, I trusted.

I was hurt.

And still I loved, cared, believed and trusted.

God please I just want and need to heal…

She has always been my idol. Her vocal range being one of the very few that I could possibly reach.

Ironically, her songs that I’ve always liked are the songs that define how I feel everytime I stumble and fall…

___________________

1994, SENTIMENTAL, Alpha Records
SENTIMENTAL features the multi-awarded track Paalam Na, a song she co-wrote with then-boyfriend Dingdong Avanzado. Little did she know, that despite the fact it was the song that was to establish her as one of the country’s foremost female artists - the song was also a harbinger of things to come in her relationship with Avanzado. The song was, in part, based on a letter he once wrote to her.

"There’s so much truth in every line of the song ‘Paalam Na’. I was not prepared to say goodbye that time," Rachel pondered. "I am very emotional so I thought of writing a song in Tagalog based on Dingdong’s letter."
_______________________

Nais ko lang malaman mo
Laman ng aking puso
Baka di na mabigyan ng ibang pagkakataon
Na sabihin ito sa `yo
`Di ko ito ginusto
Na tayo’y magkalayo
Nguni’t di magkasundo
Damdamin laging `di magtagpo ohh
Paalam na aking mahal
Kay hirap sabihin
Paalam na aking mahal
Masakit isipin na kahit nagmamahalan pa
Puso’t isipa’y magkaiba
Maaring `di lang laan sa isa’t isa

Sana’y huwag mong isipin
Na pag-ibig ko’y di tunay
Dahil sa `yo lang nadama
Ang isang pag-ibig na walang kapantay
Nguni’t masasaktan lang ang puso ang pagbibigyan
Kahit pamamaalam ang siyang bulong ng isipan
Paalam na aking mahal
Kay hirap sabihin
Paalam na aking mahal
Masakit isipin na kahit
nagmamahalan pa
Puso’t isipa’y magkaiba
Maaring `di lang laan sa isa’t isa

Darating sa buhay mo
Pag-ibig na laan sa `yo
At mamahalin ka niya
Nang higit sa maibibigay ko wohhhh
Paalam na aking mahal
Kay hirap sabihin
Paalam na aking mahal
Masakit isipin na kahit
nagmamahalan pa
Puso’t isipa’y magkaiba
Maaring `di lang laan sa isa’t isa…