I intend this one to be my final blog here on Friendster. I will still keep this blog site though as, dramatic as it sounds like, it serves as a reminder of who I was and who I still am. My more or less personal blog can now be found on my Multiply account (see my Friendster front page for more details). Along with it are my fresher perspectives on life and a newly-found lasting happiness.
I can finally put a certain date to rest. I can finally close the doors behind me and start fresh. After all, I can now consider it as just yet another phase, my extreme phase. I owe it to my loved ones to at least take good care of myself. It might have taken me more than a year to recover and it might have gone to the extent of an ugly closure for me to say "chapter closed", but it’s closure nevertheless. That’s all that matters…
…hard for me to trust again. I believed in the inherent goodness in each and every single person. But what did I get? I was used, taken advantage of, taken for granted and worse, I’m now the one who looks like an act in despair at every inch from head to toe.
It has been a really long time since I last posted here. Call it the urge of wanting everybody to know.
1. I have always loved Christmas especially if it’s in Makati and you get to see the Christmas lights and decors along Ayala. Usually, nothing could really dampen my bright Christmas mood even if a guy has broken my heart (haha). The Glorietta tragedy has managed to do so. 
2. My employed language trainees both for LPET and LCT, including my co-trainers whose excellent "oral skills" (hehehe) are exercised every Monday in our eTel Shaw site, have so far managed to keep both my sanity and insanity intact and at a perfect balance. Hehe.
3. *talking to myself* "You said you want to earn extra trust? Then stop complaining! You are improving!"
4. Pateros-Taguig traffic: I’m just consoling myself over the fact that I have a really nice condominium (that’s, at least, according to the cab driver who picked me up at dawn today). That is, until the bills start coming in…
5. At least the storm is over, layout-wise. I just hope that will soon be over for dad, too. I’m sorry dad. I have no excuse for acting like a merciless, ungrateful daughter for a layout artist last week.
6. There is this one person who I really want to punch if ever I do bump into him. Maybe he should try sitting in front of the computer for nine sleepless nights wondering what a professional-looking design means for an asshole like him. The nerve to insult my father, nevermind my work. Had I been there, I would have filed a verbal abuse case against him. Or maybe I would have just stuffed into his good-for-nothing mouth the numerous CDs that drove me insane during that period of time.
7. I have a guilty pleasure. Some of my friends already know this. And this time, I’m letting the world know: I WATCH MARIMAR! AW!
8. No long vacation next week. I, of course, want to visit my mom’s grave. No additional holiday pay can ever replace a moment with what remains of my mom.
I must have given this opinion a thousand times to numerous friends:
It’s useless theorizing why one minute you’re up and why the next, you’re down. When things, including your own happiness, depend on you, giving up is not an option.
I must have unnecessarily explained the concept of me to me and to countless who find it odd why I do so. But this I need to do, for just one more time, to see how much I’ve grown as an individual, as a person.
Roses + Sunset = Perfect
Almost a week and a half ago, I celebrated my 23rd year as an earthling. Filled with questions as to how and why my photo-obsessed dad didn’t have pictures of my pregnant mom, I still nevertheless conditioned myself in celebrating my day with all the positive energy I could grab. To my surprise, my boyfriend of more than four months/friend of almost six years, gave me more than four dozens of scarlet-red roses and indulged my old-fashioned whim of capping the day with time spent viewing the Manila Bay sunset. As if on cue, when I told him how much I appreciate and how much I now believe that he, indeed, loves me, a second climax of what could have been a chick flick happened with him responding in a "kilig-to-the-bones" manner.
Glorified beggar?!
Then of course, the first week of my 23rd year couldn’t possibly be all roses, otherwise it would be unfair for the rest of the third world population. I became a victim of what the real world constantly gives to what it thinks as the naive. The very fact that some people just couldn’t at least credibly hold their position of power earned my ire.
It is frustrating enough that I can’t process with practical ease my clearance and my separation pay with Citigroup, what more if its bank loan officers cling desperately to a Bangko Sentral ng Pilipinas (BSP) circular just to look down on their loan application clientele otherwise known as "classified-glorified beggars"?!
Hot tears welled in my eyes on the day I learned that my voter’s ID and tax information number (TIN) ID aren’t recognized by Citibank as a valid primary ID for the fact that these are the laminated-types. Sure it was my fault why, after two years of officially being deducted with big withholding taxes every 15-30, it’s only now that I got to secure my TIN ID and it isn’t even the concern of the bank either if securing such cost me half a day’s salary but somehow, somewhere, I felt that something wasn’t right.
Note: My law-school acquired sleuthing/analyzing skills, thanks to UP Law, had me knowing that the BSP Circular #564 the two bank officers were quoting never said anything about prototype/laminated-type IDs, even those issued by the government, voter’s and TIN IDs included, being now considered as secondary IDs.
It was humiliating that I was being treated as a passive and stupid loan applicant. And even if I were, nobody has the right to inaccurately quote or interpret legal provisions just to ward off valid inquiries. I would have accepted a rational explanation like "banking discretion" but none was presented.
Old rule of the thumb though: "Don’t bite the hand of the one feeding you." So right now, while meekly waiting for my Citibank loan approval, I can only hear distant mocking laughs of victory along with the triumphant statement: "If it were not for us, you still wouldn’t have had the chance of securing your passport." Now I’m haunted by the nagging feeling of wanting to continue my law studies so I wouldn’t be stepped on. But this is another story.
Facets
Just as how the American accent is filled with contrasts and comparisons, my life is a zoo of clashing ironies and oddities all secretly hoping to be in harmony with each other.
An earlier peaceful talk with my boyfriend turned into a teeth-and-bones-shattering defensive discussion on why I don’t want to read the Bible. Apparently, what he said about "loving me anyway despite of and in spite of" just to shush me from what he started in the first place didn’t work so now I quote my post-phone call text to him:
"One thing I want you to know about me is about my faith in Him. I’ve been schooled in catholic schools from nursery to sixth grade. Though the secondary school I attended wasn’t a catholic school, being the mayor of the student government in my fourth year had me implementing the praying of the 12 noon Angelus and the 3 o’clock prayer everyday. I was part of the Bible Club in grade school and up to now, I have a Bible with me among my things but ironically, I admit that I never developed the patience to sit and read it. Maybe it’s because I’m also already cynical when it comes to the different interpretations of the Holy Book so I just sought to maintain the basics - do good things, respect the elders, believe in Him. I visit the church too even if it’s not every Sunday as I pray and talk to Him everyday. What’s more, I love Christian traditions such as Christmas, Catholic weddings, processions because of the solemn and joyful feeling of how these unite families and friends. This is the reason why last Christmas, I cried because for the first time, I was at the dining table only with our househelp when the clock struck 12…"
I neither admit nor deny that I’m a snob as at times, what I say is negated by what I think and how I act. I’d like to think I’m brave and strong even when I cry. I’d like to think I’m still a righteous human being, my principles never to be judged or criticized, even when I do plead guilty to weaknesses. I’d like to assume states of apathy and yet, more often than not, I couldn’t help but want to save the world in ways I know I can.
I am towers of strength that need drainage too.
"When you consistently deliver above and beyond people’s expectations, you will consistently be recognized in the manner you deserve. Working harder gets you farther; it’s as simple as that."
I AGREE.
…to just tell the universe what you want. Say it, shout it out as though nothing could ever change your mind in wanting it and all the cosmic forces will surely organize themselves to give you your exact whim. No hesitation. No pessimism. No but’s.
And so here I am, listing the things I want now:
1. I want that Citibank loan approval so my dad and I can finally move in in our new condo unit in Taguig.
2. I want dad’s health to improve.
3. I want to fully calibrate my evaluation observations with that of Cecilia’s.
4. I want to improve on my performance as a trainer.
5. I want to lose weight.
6. I want an improvement rating and a salary increase.
7. I want Hector to find the fulfillment and stability he deserves.
YES! I want them all!
And it surely doesn’t hurt to believe as well that God answers prayers.
I’ve got so much to say I don’t even know where to begin but let me just try.
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DOG-EAT-DOG: Love it or hate it, kissing ass is an unofficial necessary evil in the corporate world. But this doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t have to fight back when bitten.
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CORPORATE SLAVE: Six months ago, my dad was berating me for the fleeting nature of my career path. Now he’s criticizing me for limiting myself to what he calls as my "voluntary imprisonment" all because I’m much too in love with my profession as eTelecare’s (harrassed) resident language trainer for its Makati site.
Imagine having to forcibly pull yourself out of your warm and comfy bed just so you could come up with wise strategies (and sometimes desperate measures) to polish the accent of your trainees so at the same time, you could hit the required attrition rate for your own performance evaluation.
Imagine having to deal with egocentric forces of nature in the corporate world that won’t even apologize for (evident) errors that wreaked havoc to what could have been an otherwise peaceful work day or at least change the spelling of your last name even when already cited for an apparent inadvertent input of the letter "z" instead of "s".
Oh what the hell. I love my job. After all, it’s my "practical dream job". I just hope I really did successfully pull off that company events host audition. So much for making fun of "my precious" name. Haha. Imagine being able to hit two birds with one stone if fate permits! @:)
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HOT PINK PLUS WHAT’S NEW: new phone (I love my hot pink Motorola V3x!), new two pairs of shoes, new skirts (my legs deserve the exposure to sunlight, haha) that could go too with my not-so-new hot pink long boho skirt from the US, new long-sleeved shirts (time for a change; have had ’nuff with the "unusual" shirts), new condo unit in (faraway! *gasp*) Taguig ("ouch" on the budget), new bags (my gorgeous camel office bag from Kimbel, the classy chocolate brown clutch bag my May trainees gave me and the hot pink native bag another trainee of mine gave me), my hot pink iPod, soon-to-come new bed from my condo agent (haha, pressured!), new (classy) tan shawl (again, from my May trainees who often saw me shivering in the igloo we call our training room; love it, love them!)
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WHAT MATTERS: Somebody has YET to change my mind on the following things:
politics
1. I don’t like Honasan, Trillanes and Lacson. This dislike doesn’t have anything to do with their common military denominator. But over Trillanes, I like the other two for their political experience and know-how. And over Honasan and Lacson, I like Trillanes for his moral turpitude.
2. I don’t like GMA. But right now, better her than Erap. ‘Nuff said.
life in general
1. Got this one from my boss: Your tardiness and absences, no matter how seemingly legitimate the reasons may be, ARE STILL tardiness and absences.
2. If for practicality and short-term goals, I believe that you work not to save money. You work to live. And the idea of "living" has with it the idea of great long-term dreams and ambitions. Better to be lesser in gifts but determined and patient to succeed than to be full of talents but critical and yet idle.
3. Believe you are beautiful and wise. No one else will unless you take it upon yourself to stand up and stand out and show the world who you are and what you’re capable of.
You love, you criticize, you accept, you adjust, you fight back, you learn, you share, you live.
Why can’t I get over this?
Random thoughts…
Sinking
in October…
Roasted
under the rain…
Stars,
garden…
Hand
in the night…
Stars…
Smiles, arms, eyes, hair…
Mobile… I’m immobile
At an arm’s length… the surface
And yet…
the
Distance…
Silence…
